Although I’m weak, and can hardly process my thoughts in between all the fever dreams I’ve been plagued with lately, I’m excited about writing here for the first time.
The plus side of being sick, if there’s any at all, is all the time it allows you to think. I mean it leaves me no choice. All I have to do is lie here, wait for the meds to kick in while my mind constantly wanders.
I recently learned about the term toxic positivity. These days, you can throw in the word “toxic” as a prefix before any other word and woke folks on social media will eat it up. But toxic positivity happens to be a real thing. Something I’ve thought about before but didn’t exactly have the words to describe it.
Toxic positivity is basically the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset all the time regardless of situations or circumstances.
It takes the exercise to an extreme level, disregarding any other emotion or reaction that isn’t positive. In the end, it does the opposite of what it sets out to do. Instead of motivating anyone or helping them feel better, it invalidates their human experience, pain, and reaction to things.
You might think it sounds innocuous. But if you’ve ever gone to someone you cared about to share a particular issue that was causing you pain only for them to shut it down by forcing you to think positive thoughts, you’ll know it goes beyond harmless pep talk. It’s well-meaning but now you’re struggling to find the light in your situation and beating yourself up for your inability to. Do you see? It’s counterproductive.
For someone like me whose natural reaction to pain is to wallow for a while, feel my feelings, the worst possible thing anyone could say to me is to tell me to “get over it” or that “it could be worse” or “someone else somewhere has it worse than I do.” It’s probably all true but no one needs to hear that. It’s erasure, it’s dismissive and it’s insensitive. No one can monopolize pain. Someone somewhere will always have it worse than you do, that doesn’t mean your experience doesn’t matter or should be ignored.
What I believe any person feeding me false positive words is truly trying to tell me is that they find the process of talking about my experience tedious and uncomfortable and would rather end the conversation with an overused unhelpful quote.
Instead of telling someone who’s hurting to see the positive side of things, you could try saying “This is really tough but I’m here for you.” Instead of saying, “just be happy, think happy thoughts” try asking, “what would make you feel better right now?” If you can’t think of something remotely comforting to say, just hold them tight and let them know you’re there. If you can’t manage any of that, let them be.
It is unrealistic to expect anyone to remain in a constant state of positivity and excitement. It’s not wrong and I wish we could in fact remain so but it’s not realistic. There are too many factors outside of our control that can affect our emotions.
That is not to say one shouldn’t bother trying to find the bright side of things. Happiness after all is intentional. This is why despite how I’ve been feeling, I’ve made sure to squeeze in a little happiness for myself by binge-watching some of my favorite shows including The Mentalist and New Girl — again, trying my best to eat healthily, speak with my family often, and declutter both my mind and my space.
Constant positivity is an exhausting and unnecessary expectation to put on one’s self. It’s equally isolating as you’ll never allow yourself to share your burdens with people who care about you. Not while you’re busy acting like all is well.
So take this as permission to feel your feelings, cry when you need to, pray, scream, eat, talk your way to healing.